Pirates 3 is Arrr, an Eye Feast

Underwater boats, end of the world cliff-hangers and Johnny Depp. It doesn’t get better for summer entertainment. This film is pure fantasy, the kind that Hollywood used to deliver in its golden days of epics, and finally, it’s back.

It makes Spider-Man and Shrek look like product placement ads.

I could go on about the set design, the ingenuity of the new lands -- Singapore, the pirates lair, Davy Jones’ locker -- but well, you can see it at the theater, so you don’t need me.

As for story…

I tried eagerly to follow the multi-charactered plot, its twists and turns, its betrayal to characters and the audience, as well as the quick dialog, which explained too much in too scarce of accents, that it was, at times, impossible to follow.

Sixty minutes into the film, I had no idea what the story was about.

But I didn’t care. I found myself trusting that the writers were telling me a story I wanted to know. Even now, some days after seeing it. I can’t figure why young Will Turner was sentenced to hanging and how giving Lord Beckett the coin absolved him from this death?

But does it matter?

It was beautiful to watch. (I won’t say the same about Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette, but I know others will. Perhaps those are the ones who like cake. That had too little eye candy and not enough plot.)

This was exhilarating to see, the jokes were good, the twists were unexpected and each character went through a journey of his own.

It’s worth the money to see it with fellow movie-goers entrenched in a theater’s underwater darkness.

Shrek 3 Goes Trite to Slam Clichés

Maybe it’s because the writers of the Shrek movies seem to be so apparent in the their works that for the new Shrek, it really felt like there were three of us in the theater: the audience, the characters and the writers.

Somehow, by the end of the film, we, the audience, took sides with the characters, feeling sorry they had to speak the words and act the actions of these writers.

How did that happen?

It wasn’t in story. The story had everything a Hollywood film should. All the golden rules were followed. Plot and goal were established. The stakes were high. The jokes were funny. Each character had an arc. The old favorites, Donkey and Puss, were back, bigger and better. And, new and interesting characters, Arty and the Merlin, popped up with surprise and intellect. (Loved the Birkenstocks on Merlin and the need for high school revenge in Arty!)

So, if all was solid in structure, the only thing left to look at is nuance of execution. With subplots of mockery and hackneyed dialog, I began to cringe at the opening of every scene.

Here are some unnecessary examples of subplots inspired by a war between Disney and DreamWorks that a 5-year-old child, as well as a 33-year-old screenwriter, doesn’t care about. Mudslinging is petty, even an infant knows that.

1. The princesses are now vapid, bitchy society wives.
• Cinderella is neurotic.
• Snow White is a know-it-all
• Princess Fiona’s mother is a blockhead.
• I know there’s a stereotype against princesses, that they limit women in society because they pigeonhole potential and career choices, but seeing the princesses ridiculed here, for once, made me feel sorry for them. They are trapped in their own stories, a victim of their fate as well as the villains, are they not? And so what, if they were created by a competitor’s company? I say this to DreamWorks, create your own characters and make them enlightened and beautiful. I don’t need to go to the movies to see schoolyard fights.

2. Speaking of, not only are the princesses turned on their heads, but the villains have become lonely bar flies.
• I never wanted to see “Hook” drunk in a pub. I wanted to think he was festering up another plan, so we could have another Peter Pan adventure, not down on his luck, a rouge with no where to go.
• Man, the women in this picture can not catch a break. Now the witches are crooners. (Actually, that is kind of funny. Crooners. Crone. Get it?)
• The stepsisters are barmaids.
• And Rapunzel (with his pacifier tattoo – that was funny) is set up, but never paid off.
• I already feel sorry for villains. I don’t want to see them stripped of all dignity. Give me something to hold onto from my childhood. Please.

There are a million cliché dialog references, of which, I hope you’ll help me outline.

1. Arty convinces Merlin to transport the Shrek gang back to Far Far Away and says, “Piece of cake” when he pulls it off. I’d have been on the film school chopping block for writing a line like that. And it’s DreamWorks, for crying out loud. Come on, guys.

2. When Fiona reminds Shrek how beautiful their swamp is, he says, “You had me at mildew.” That Jerry Maguire joke is so played. Cameron Crowe should be getting royalties, and I’m saying this now, if I hear that again, I’m going to starting telling people I’m in love with Tom Cruise. Don’t threaten me. I will do it.


Other observances:
(I went to a 4:45 showing on Friday the opening night and the theater was full of children.)
1. The writers didn’t handle the death scene well. It was bad humor that was scary and uncalled for. Several of the children in my row started freaking out when the frog finally croaked. (Ha, that’s funny. Frog. Croaked.)
2. Charming cuts the head of a “Bambi” deer in the climax scene. Everyone cringed. Need I say more? Disney you’re at war with DreamWorks, in case you didn’t know.
3. The “bathroom jokes” got the most laughs, and while I can see writers not wanting to “go there,” this kind of humor is the bread and butter in a kid’s movie. That said, why dole out a bunch of adult humor jokes (the cross-dressing princess with the garter belt?) that keep the kids confused and the adults beside themselves? I never thought I’d say this, but where else are we going to get bathroom humor if not in an ogre movie?
4. Overall, the voices were lovely, and the visuals were great, but the use of classic songs rather than new ballads (I always loved the Fairy Godmother number from 2) seemed lazy and not worth the money.

We’ve heard it before. Come to think of it, maybe that was their theme? Either way, Shrek 3 might be for the writers, but it’s not for me.

ScreenwriterJ

Spider-Man 3: Thrice the Villain, Once the Charm

I love you, Sam Raimi, and I love Spider-Man, but 3 was... Well, I don't have to say it. Here are my notes, if you care to listen.

1. Too many characters. Either this is a story about Pete and Harry as the antagonist, or it's about the black suit. The Sandman should have been cut or held for four. I realize you needed him to enrage Peter into jealousy, and thus enhance the use of the suit and also see what this does to a man, but it was too complicated. You could have accomplished that with Harry. The love triangle was great. Use jealous. The revenge/we-never-caught-the-killer stuff was weak. The film’s theme was diluted because you used the "kitchen sink" approach. That never works. Rookie mistake.

2. Mary Jane had an interesting story line that was neither explained or followed through. Did Harry force her to say she was in love with someone else, or was she actually falling back in love with Harry? That kiss seemed convincing to me. That said, the ending wasn't as sweet as it could have been because this wasn't made clear. Of course a girl would dance with a guy who saved her life, but what's she going to do after that? Call up Harry's cousin Rich Johnny when things get rough? Come on MJ, we need a little more clarification on intentions.

3. The black suit came from outerspace. So? What does this have to do with anything? I know. I know. You're going to say that sometimes things don’t need to be explained. I agree. But I thought, and tell me if I'm wrong, that conflict should come out of character. If this is true, Peter should had done something boastful (as I'm assuming his tragic flaw was pride) in the beginning, i.e. when he's on the web with MJ and they're stargazing, she could say, "I'm thirsty" and he could say, "Don't get up." He could web some change into a coke machine (nice product placement) and then use a treetop to pop the top, this causes the switch to flip on a lab experiment (use your scene from sandman and scrap that story line), which makes the goo drop from whatever experiment they're doing. (Here’s where you also set up the bell stuff… it was too easy that he went to the church. Not explained, so therefore not anticipated and therefore no tension). That way, his use of Spidey-powers to showboat drink acquiring would have caused the goo to drop and hence, propelled us into plot with meaning and substance. Meanwhile MJ is put off by his boasting. You know how chicks hate macho moments on dates. It blows the romance. And here we go. It’s minute 6 and the story is off and running.

4. The editor was a great character. You started with his heart attack problems, but you don’t pay this off, and there was a perfect moment. When Mean Peter shows up with his feet on desk, you could have had the editor pass out. Would have been funny, and arc-completing. Otherwise, setup was never paid off.

What do you think? I love you Sam. I think Spider-Man 1 is the best super hero movie of all time. Excellent job!
--ScreenwriterJ